29 and Counting!

Today I am 29 weeks. I can't believe this is my last week in the 20's. In just two short weeks, we will be down to single digits! I feel like my belly has doubled...maybe even tripled in size. Sometimes it hits me in a really strange way that I actually have a living human being inside me. Obviously, I have known that, but when she wiggles and stretches, I just get this overwhelming "woah" feeling. I seriously have a living thing in me. She doesn't just come to life at birth. This probably all sounds very silly, but oh well, those are my oh-so-deep thoughts. :)

I'm definitely starting to feel the differences in this last trimester. I get exhausted just doing the smallest things. I can't really sleep through the night anymore, whether it's back pain, worry about her movements, or just bizarro dreams. I also experienced heartburn for the first time today. Not a good feeling. After some research, I discovered I ate just about every single food that causes heartburn. I certainly paid for it.

To top off the third trimester changes, I got hit with quite the emotional wave. As I have mentioned, I don't have a lot to do right now. No one would hire me and we only have so much money to put towards crafty things for me to do. I sit home alone all day every day. We are house sitting so I have this big house all to myself, which is nice because I don't feel cramped, but sometimes makes me realize just how alone I am right now. Mathew is working so hard and stays on campus for about 12 hours every day. A lot of days he doesn't get home until 7:30-8. A lot of days I eat dinner alone. A lot of days I get really sad. Some days I cry. But I would never want him to do any different. I am so proud of all the effort he is putting in this semester. However, that doesn't change the fact that I get sad. Anyways, back to the whole third trimester emotional wave thing...

You would think that with all the time I have, I would accomplish a lot at home, but I don't. Sometimes it's really hard to get motivated to do the dishes and clean and then work on a project. Even on the days that I do all of that, I'm usually finished with the dishes/cleaning thing by 10 a.m. so I still have tons of down time. Well, Monday, it hit me HARD. I just felt like I wasn't do anything with my life and that I was worthless. I couldn't figure out why I just didn't want to clean or do anything but sit around. I sometimes don't even make dinner. Seriously. I have all day to do it and sometimes I just don't want to. And that made me feel terrible. I sobbed to Mathew, like legitimately sobbed. I don't think I have ever felt so down on myself before. I have so much time to spare and I just waste it, but I don't have the motivation to change, which is probably the hardest part. I had to remind myself many times, that I am making a human! I am taking care of another life and it's draining! She is bigger and stronger now and requires more of me. Then I get hit with another wave of guilt because I have absolutely nothing to justify being sad and depressed. I have a healthy baby girl growing every single day. My body is taking care of her. We are lucky enough to be able to have a baby. She is an enormous blessing and I love her so much already. Every day I feel like my love and happiness for her doubles.

I also realized how much I want to be stable and living in one place for more than five months. The longest we have ever lived in one place is seven months. I want to be able to decorate a nursery for Ellie, even if it's just her pack and play and a glider, because that's all we can afford. (Did I mention we are basically broke?) I just want to feel like I'm in my own home and can make it my own. This house is decorated beautifully, but it's not me, and nothing is ours, and we will be moving out when Ellie is a month old...to my parent's basement...then to who knows where. Hopefully the "who knows where" move will be more permanent. It may be the first time that we will be able to sign a one year lease and not have to beg the landlord to please please make an exception for us and let us take a five month contract. We may actually get to pick between lots of different places and not just settle for the one that lets us in!

Mathew has been incredibly supportive through all of this. He let me cry and told me to just keep letting it out. We also have an amazing ward. It's the best ward we have ever been in. We had home teachers for the first time since we've been married. They gave us callings right away (hello nursery) and everyone has made us feel like they care that we are there, even if it is just for a short time. Our last ward in Utah was...not awesome to say the least, so this ward has been a major blessing. I know things are going to get better and I know that depends a lot on me and my attitude. I am going to try to have a better outlook and be more proactive in my days. But if nothing else, Ellie will be here in 11 short weeks, and then I will be busy. :)

Anyways, I am becoming an emotional wreck, and I'm going to blame it on this third trimester. I was definitely not intending to spill my guts out like this! Wow. Thank you blogger for giving me a place to let out feelings.