Addicted to food. Seriously. I have a legitimate food addiction. I see it come out every single time I stay at my parent's house. Suddenly I am surrounded by so much sugar that I don't normally buy that I literally can't control myself. My money is not tied to any of the food here and so it is extra hard to have discipline. When we are in our own house, I don't buy ice cream, cookies, candy, and I don't have a crepe machine with bottles of Nutella everywhere. Now, I don't mean to be rude towards my parents. I totally understand why they have what they do. They have grandkids and love to have a freezer with ice cream and a full cookie jar for when the kids come over. And the candy wall in the basement is supposed to just be for movie nights. And the crepe machine and Nutella is for a business. I get it. All the sugar has its purpose, but I can't handle it!!!!!
Within a couple days of being here, my pants were already tight. My stomach hurts because my pants are too tight. I don't have the courage to put on my size 8 shorts that I worked SO FREAKING HARD to fit into because I know I won't be able to button them anymore. I have always dreamed of being in a single digit size and it finally happened and I have thrown it all away within a week.
The more I read about food addiction, the more I'm convinced I have one. I never even considered it because I'm not incredibly overweight. Yes, I have weight to lose, but I felt okay. However, I have read the symptoms and I have all of them. I have a food addiction. My brain can not reason when surrounded by bad food. All I think about is food. When I'm eating a meal, I think about what I will eat at the next one. I'm about to go to an addiction recovery class because I feel so out of control.
I'm discouraged and beaten. I want to recover and go into "remission" but it seems impossible right now. I feel like a smoker who wants to quit but is in a room filled with cigarette smoke. There is just no hope for me right now. I have to be patient and wait until we close on our house and I can get back in my own routine and be in complete control of the groceries come in the house.
I have been trying to figure out the reasons BEHIND my addiction. These are what I have come up with:
1. I don't want to miss out on anything-I want to enjoy life and eat what I want.
2. It tastes really good and I will never have a toned body, so I might as well eat it and enjoy it.
3. I feel gross, so I'll eat this crap to make me feel better, then I feel gross from eating that so I'll eat more crap, and thus the cycle continues.
That last one isn't really a reason behind an addiction, but I know it's affecting my ability to cope with the cravings and fight them off. I am so bored. All I think about is our house and that gets me excited so I eat, and then I can't do any projects for our house yet, which makes me sad, so I eat. It's awful and I can't believe I am admitting all of this on a blog but it is proving to be therapeutic for me.
I want to change. I really do, but it's hard to explain the struggle that goes on when I am around so much bad food. So here is my plan. I need someone/something to be accountable to. I know that what would horrify me most is if people who read this blog were aware of what I eat. I plan to keep a daily journal for the next few weeks until we close on our house. I feel like if I know I have to write on my freaking blog what I eat everyday, then maybe I'll care a little more. I know I should want to change for my health, but I just can't find the motivation and strength right now. Not when I'm bombarded with my trigger foods. It's too much for my brain to handle. So please bear with me for the next few weeks while I post about food.
And don't judge too harshly.
This is really hard to post.
I would also like to clarify that I do NOT blame my parents for my weight gain and being out of control. I take full responsibility for my actions. It is not their fault.