Stronger

Thank you to everyone who was so thoughtful and helpful in regards to my stress. I received lots of great advice here and outside of the blogosphere. I've tried really hard to allow myself time to take deep breaths. It has really helped me to be working now. I love love love my job and I get so excited to go to work every day. It has helped tremendously to be more busy.

My mom gave me a good piece of advice after I had a long talk with her about some things I was struggling with. She told me that any time I feel overwhelmed or guilty for something from my past, to consciously replace that thought with something positive and encouraging. It seems really simple, but it's been good for me. It has been good to force myself to look for a positive. Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you for the comments.

Moving on to another touchy subject. Weight. It's been discussed before on here. It's always been a huge part of my life, ever since I was the fat girl in elementary school. I bought TurboFire and I absolutely LOVE it. I've been eyeing it for months. It's probably the best and most fun workout I have ever done. I feel challenged and I basically am drenched with sweat by the time I'm finished. Pretty sure I will not be doing it anymore though and I am so sad about it.

I have thyroid problems as you might remember. After doing some reading and listening to my sister, it occurred to me that I probably shouldn't be doing such a high intensity workout. It just puts way too much stress on my body which I guess can actually make me gain weight instead of lose it. I want so badly to push myself and power through the workouts because I feel so strong. Afterwards though, I really feel the negative effects of what I've done to my body. I feel drained instead of energized from the endorphins. I just feel insanely exhausted all day and I wake up after 8+ hours of sleep feeling like I just woke up from a 30 minute nap. It's been so strange.

I really just feel like I need to take it easy on myself. It's so hard for me to stop the workout program because I feel like a quitter..but something just doesn't feel right. My body doesn't feel normal; it doesn't feel like it did back when I did P90X.

I decided that I'm going to try really hard to accept myself how I am. I don't need to be 10 pounds lighter to be a good person. I don't need to be as thin as the girls I work with to feel good. What I need to do is again focus on the positives. I need to be able to love myself at any weight. My body may not want me to be thinner and I can't help but think about the things I'm missing in life if all I can focus on is losing weight. I have let it consume my life and it needs to stop.

I definitely am not planning on letting myself go and allowing my health to deteriorate. All I'm trying to say is that I want to be a stronger person in ways that have nothing to do with my body. I still plan to try to eat healthy and go on walks, but I feel strongly that I shouldn't be working my body to the ground right now.

I have tried to have different thoughts when I look in the mirror. If I see something I don't like, I try to accept it the way it is and then find something that I DO like. This journey is going to take me a LONG time and I fully expect to have moments of defeat. But I will not give up. I'm going to find a way to accept my body whether I lose ten pounds or gain ten pounds. It shouldn't matter.